We all know that some events are more important to attend than others. A wedding is more important than a sports practice. I’m sure we have all had a scheduling conflict and have had to decide which event was more important to attend.
I want to talk a bit about how much importance is put on an event when you are chronically ill. We all have wildly different situations, abilities, and opportunities. I ran into a situation recently that made me stop and consider how we assign importance to family events when we have a chronic illness.
When I imagined my life as a mom, I pictured fun family activities every weekend. Game nights, trips to the movie theater, beach vacations, hiking, and camping to name a few.
Then my health became a daily rollercoaster, we needed to cut a lot of what I had imagined out of the picture. I missed family trips, camping, concerts, and sporting events. We couldn’t entertain like we used to. As the kids got older I started to see the time we had all together under the same roof slipping away at a rapid pace. This very normal part of life felt even more intense to me with a chronic illness. I wanted to make sure that “all the memories” were made.
Recently, we planned to attend a college football game just a few days before the game. It’s not a huge venue, but the parking situation isn’t ideal for our situation. Having to walk about half a mile in the dark, on the side of the road before we even get into the gates, was causing me some serious pause as to if I should be going. I have been feeling so much better that I forget I still have limitations and that they are still significant to what I would like to do. We made a few different plans on how we could get me to our seats with the least amount of walking and it just wasn’t making me feel confident that I was going to stay within my abilities and not completely inconvenience my family.
When it came down to it, the start time of the game, the effort to get in and out of the stadium, and the stress of it all made me decide not to go less than an hour before we were to leave. The decision came after many tearful conversations and confirmation that it just seemed like “a lot” and the price for my health to attend may be too much. I was so disappointed.
I had told myself that this particular event was SO IMPORTANT. If I didn’t go to THIS football game, we won’t have any other memories as a family. I convinced myself that I was just being weak. You name it, I probably thought it.
My husband and I agreed that we would pick a family activity that was more accessible for my needs, and we would do it within the next few weeks.
I put so much (way too much) emotional value on this one event, that I was literally sobbing at the thought of not going.
Was it a bummer that I didn’t get to go? Yes.
Was it good that I didn’t over do it and planned a different family event for another time? Also, yes.
Was it devastating for my family that I didn’t go? Not in the slightest.
With chronic illness, there is constant evaluation going on to where the boundaries are, what is worth pushing for, and what simply is not.
How I adapted so I was still involved at the game.
- I watched the live broadcast of the game.
- We texted back and forth about the plays and our opinions. I let them know what the announcers were saying.
- I stayed up until they got home to talk about their experience.
- My husband took tons of videos and pictures.
Having limitations on family time whether it is because of work, finances, illness or another type of family situation is difficult and can be heartbreaking. The key is to still find a way to be involved. Send flowers, text a personalized video to their phone, handwrite a nice note, or watch the event and even Facetime if possible.
What I learned:
- While your family would love for you to attend the event, they also understand that you have limitations.
- I don’t “need” to be there in person to still be involved. It’s important to take a step back and determine how much emotional weight should be assigned to the event and make efforts accordingly. Give yourself grace and remember that your family sees your efforts.
