We all know the formula.
Go to school.
Get a job.
Get married.
Adopt a pet.
Have kids.
Retire.
One of the biggest gifts I received when I was younger was that life happened out of order.
I got the job before I was done with school.
That was all it took for me to realize and test the theory that you don’t “have to do” everything that way, you “should”.
You can choose how to live your life. You can do it anyway you want and it whatever order you want.
I know that may seem like an obvious statement, but I think we all have been guilty of doing something because we were “supposed to”. That’s it. No other reason.
When I listen to my friends talk about how their life, often there are a lot of “shoulds” included in the list of what is overwhelming them.
- They are working a demanding job because they have a mortgage and life style to support.
- They said yes to kid activities that have stretched them thin in both time and money.
- They are traveling because what else do you do when school is out?
- They are on several different committees, close to tears because they don’t have a second to themselves.
This is an easy trap that a mom with chronic illness simply can not afford to fall in to.
A mom with health issues limiting her abilities does not have the luxury to pile things on her plate. Eventually, something on that plate will cause a flare-up, and everything will actually come crashing down.
So how do you be the mom you want to be in this day and age with the challenge of a chronic illness?
You need to choose what matters to you and your family.
But how do you do that?
There are so many good things that you can be involved in. It’s fun to be on committees. Traveling gives your children experiences that you dreamed of giving them. You went to school to earn the degree that you are using at your job.
How can you possibly cut any of that?
You start with your family values.
If you have never sat down to determine what your family values are, I have a handy workbook for you.
Let’s say that time together is a core family value. You have been taking vacations a few times a year. This has been taxing on your health and budget.
Time together can look like cooking together at home. Being a tourist in your own city. Game nights.
Changing how many vacations you go on does not mean sacrificing time together, it just means that you change how you spend time together.
Find ways to spend time together that works with your health needs, budget, and time constraints.
When you know that time together and not necessarily vacations is your core value, you have a clear vision of how to craft your family life.
It can be surprising what you realize once you sit down and focus on what really matters to you and what you have been doing “just because”.
It takes time to adjust your thought process and emotions. It doesn’t seem like it would, since you are trading behaviors for things you actually want. But habits are hard to break either way.
Once you feel confident in the core family values you have chosen, take the time to plan out what that means for your family.
Does time together mean one vacation a year, smaller local trips with weekly movie nights?
Does it mean adjusting your work hours so that you are home and available for the kids more often?
Does it mean getting a higher paying job so that you can hire out a house cleaner and order in food more often to cut down on cooking in the evenings?
One simple core value can open so many different ways to solve the pain points you may be feeling in your life. It can also give you the confidence you need to say no to something.
If that thing (extra curricular activity, house upgrade, new car, volunteer position, vacation) does not align with your core family values, you can confidently say no, even if someone else would give anything for that opportunity.
I’d love to know if you have ever sat down to do an exercise like this and what you learned from it!
