It’s a fun game that I play over and over where I am terrified that I’m a slacker and I actually could keep up with the healthy.
There is a special type of torture included in having a high achieving personality and a chronic illness.
For those not familiar with a chronic illness, there seems to be a cycle that we go through.
Stage 1: We feel good. We get excited.
Stage 2: We tell ourselves not to over do it, as we are overdoing it. We survive over doing it better than we thought we would. We continue to push ourselves.
Stage 3: We hit a wall.
Stage 4: We have to recover.
Rinse and Repeat.
Stage two is where I start to panic and spiral. I think, “Wait. Have I been lazy and not sick this whole time? Can I work outside of the home or for someone else?! OMG, AM I A LOSER?! AM I JUST FREELOADING?! LOOK AT HOW WELL I CAN ACCOMPLISH THIS TASK!”
I then start to replan my whole life. What kind of job should I get? What can I do immediately?!
As I am overdoing it some more, I hit “the wall”.
Once I have realized that I hit “the wall” and it has only been a day or two of activity for half a day, I realize. No, I haven’t been “faking it”. I’m not “just a slacker”. I legitimately can not keep up with what society seems as a normal schedule.
Relief washes over me.
I feel absolutely horrible and grateful all at the same time.
As I climb into bed to recover, I wonder if I will learn my lesson for next time.
I will not.
I will simultaneously have a great and active day, while spiraling and wondering if it has all been a hoax. I will hit a wall, feel confirmation that I indeed have valid and real limitations and I will do it all over again the next time a big event comes up.
For ever and ever, Amen.
I can hear you wondering, “Why don’t you just get it?”
I have asked myself the same question.
